Feelings of Betrayal

Wednesday night, after hearing rumors that referrals may be coming soon, I had a tough time. It was late, and as I sat at my computer (no doubt reading blogs, Facebook and Yahoo adoption groups), I noticed Rediet's picture starring back at me. I had this overwhelming sense of betrayal? How can I be excited about a potential referral when just a few short months ago, I was having those same feelings for her? Is it a betrayal to her memory? I know in my heart, that it is ok to be excited again. I am not replacing Rediet, as she will always be a daughter of my heart. But it is tough. I cannot bring myself to put her picture away. I always want a reminder of her, not only for myself, but for my daughter who cannot stop talking about "Baby Rediet". Just this week I have removed the photo album full of her pics from my purse. I had carried them with me everywhere since her referral. It was the final step in my acceptance that she will not be coming home to live with us.

Then an internet-adoption friend (who has also been through losses in this journey) reminded me of something I have always believed. She told me that we each get the child that was meant to be in our family. That things happen for a reason. This I believe and know, especially after going through four previous adoptions. Call it fate or whatever you want to call it, but I do believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason. We may not like it or understand it, and although the losses hurt, they are like stepping-stones to the things that are meant to be.

I will continue to keep Rediet's memory alive in my heart and mind as I wait to hear if I am going to be a mama again. She will not be forgotten. She will always be just a memory away.